quarryshark's Blog

 

The Dam

Talk about governmental bureaucracy...

 This is actually a true story and the account of the
investigation makes it even better... 
 
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.  A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.  We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."  I would like to challenge your Department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.  In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the environment (beavers' dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  The bears are not careful where they dump!  Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the
bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy
a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000
Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I return?"

Has anyone seen him?

 Good luck!!!!

 

 We are all guilty!!

 

 Not sure what to say.........

 

 This usually the problem anyway.

 nanana...na..na!!

 

 

 We already knew this .........and one that should come standard issue in all computer....

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to  
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged  
for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to  
the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and  depressed.  

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started  
on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  
Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.'  

And on and on and on.  

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he  
went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a  
long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic  
remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the  
bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her  
husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of  
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally  
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go  
upstairs and give him the good news.  

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight  
of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.  
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.  

To which he whirled around and screamed....,,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,   WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007:
(Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
 
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
 
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
 
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
 
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
 
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
 
Local   High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
 
And the winner is....
 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
 

                     Tech support:     What kind of computer do you have?


    Customer: A white one...
    ===============

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....

    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates.

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it..

    ============== =

    Customer: I have problems printing in red..
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.

    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer:! OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

    == =============

    Customer: can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ===============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine.'

    ===============

    And last but not least...

    Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS:    My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty.


ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shi**'in me?


ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gett'in laid


ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Are you shi**'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different >attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it.


ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Guess.

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to adeposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?


ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS:      Oral.


ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


And the best for last:

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
   practicing law.

WAL-MART APPLICATION


This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas
They hired him because he was so funny.


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B*stard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i n the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread..
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***