Pablo_Kielbasa's Mombasa

Big Huge Muscle Guy Pretty Much Scaring The Hell Out Of Everyone He Bumps Into


Carbo load! You wish you were me! You wish you were me! RAaaaaaarrrrRRR... RRRrrr....aaahhhhh!!

IRON CITY , PA - Iron City bodybuilding enthusiast Eddie Tufts was recently observed "scaring the hell out of pretty much everyone he bumps into" according to his anxiously alarmed girlfriend Trisha Ziske.

"I-It's getting crazy! Eddie is so massive and bulked up, I think this whole weight lifting thing has totally consumed him. It's like he turns into a mad Hulk or something, and rails on and on about how huge he is. I-I can't take it anymore!*sob*!"

Friends and family of Tufts have recanted tales of him insanely ranting "Minimum weight 205, max weight 215! Keep my run below 14 flat at least, separation and vascularity in the arms, legs, losing the gut and watching abs emerge. Good stuff! Cardio diet! You wish you were me! You WISH you were me!" to pretty much anyone within eye range or earshot.

"We can't stop him!" Bemoaned Ziske. "He benches everything in sight. He lifts riding mowers over his head with riders on them, baby carriages with babies in them and even turned 2 fully loaded shopping carts into curling irons! The steroids must have gone straight to his brain. He outta control!"

Other tales recounted Tufts lifting the rear wheels of convertible Volkswagen Golfs at red lights, ripping the top of beer cans off with his teeth and even cracking walnuts without a nutcracker, and without his hands, neither.

Eventually, Tufts would come down off of his chaotic cardiovascular high after a series of sudden agonizing muscular rips and abdominal tears, the worst of which was heard, not to mention whiffed, clean over in McKees Rocks.

The top 10 answers people volunteered when asked to describe presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama, according to an Associated Press-Yahoo! News poll released Monday. Included is the percentage of people who gave each answer. More than one response was allowed.

John McCain:

1. Old, 19 percent

2. Military service, 9 percent

3. Record, qualifications, 8 percent

4. Bush, 7 percent

5. Strength, 7 percent

6. Insider, politician, 7 percent

7. Iraq, terrorism, 6 percent

8. Honest, 5 percent

9. Republican, 5 percent

10. (tie) Moral/good and dishonest, 4 percent

Barack Obama:

1. Outsider, change, 20 percent

2. Lack of experience, 13 percent

3. Dishonest, 9 percent

4. Inspiring, 8 percent

5. Liberal, 6 percent

6, 7 (tie). Obama's race, young, 6 percent

8. Not likable, 5 percent

9. Intelligent, 4 percent

10. Muslim, 3 percent

The AP-Yahoo! News poll of 1,759 adults was conducted from June 13-23 and had an overall margin of sampling error of plus or minus 2.3 percentage points. The poll was conducted over the Internet by Knowledge Networks, which initially contacted people using traditional telephone polling methods and followed with online interviews.

Some Really Great Life's Tips


The persistence of being persistent.

Have you ever mused about what you would have done different with your life if you could just go back in time with the knowledge and experiences that you have in your head today? I was thinking about 1988, if I could just go back 20 years, knowing what I know now. Outside of the obvious, like buying all the Microsoft stock I could handle at a penny a share, here are some other things I noticed that may offer you a shortcut, and hopefully a fuller, richer life.

1. Never do anything that you don't want to do. This one is the biggest, and most crucial. If you are in a relationship, or even a marriage, that obviously is a poor fit, get out. Don't dally with it, and try to do it before you have kids. I can't tell you how many breakups I have witnessed, and been part of, that ended badly, and often with life-shattering consequences, that should have ended before things reached that point. Search your heart. If it don't fit you must split!

On that same note, go after what your heart wants, and I especially urge young 20 some-things to take heed of this one. Don't worry about rejection, or feelings of inadequacy, or feeling foolish. Life is too short to feel inadequate. Don't waste time. If you want someone strongly, go for it. Do whatever it takes. Be willing to make changes midstream. If you are in a reasonably satisfactory relationship, and your dream girl/guy comes along, take some time to make some time with that person. If it works out, and is a better fit, you won't be sorry, believe me, and if it doesn't, you're still better off than you were before, believe it or not, but please believe it. You're better off alone than moldering away precious, irretrievable years in the icy malaise of a loveless relationship.

2. Don't ignore your health. I have been lucky in this area, but I have many acquaintances who have not. If you are 25, and are in perfect health, or even consider yourself to be, don't let that stop you from seeing a doctor and getting a full A-Z physical. Do it now. Don't get it in your head that disease and sickness are the realm of old people, I lost a number of good friends in their 30's to chronic conditions that could have been easily cured or prevented by early diagnosis and treatment. You might be walking around with an aneurism in your brain and not know it, or have undiagnosed glaucoma, or hypertension, and feel just fine. Don't wait, go to a doctor now, regardless how you feel.

3. Make the right career moves. Just like in relationships, don't do anything that you don't want to do. If you are hemmed in by a job that you can take or leave, but just don't think you can find the time, or believe that you lack the capability to get a better job, you need to fix that notion, fast. Big life's lesson: Time Goes Fast.

If you still live at home and aren't paying rent, use this rare, fleeting period of your life to obtain as much education as you can afford, and spend time interviewing and chasing employers that you are passionate about before you find yourself out on your own. As soon as you have to pay your own overhead, your chances and choices diminish, and it only gets harder and harder as you get older. Pick a career that is marketable. You may love Archaeology, but will it pay the bills? This is strictly my opinion, but I urge choosing careers that pay well historically, and are adaptable to a changing, technologically evolving economy. Do it right the first time, you most likely won't have a second chance.

4. Don't get worked up over silly stuff. I wish I would have heeded my own advice on this one. Do you ever find yourself fuming over something someone said about you, or ceaselessly mulled over a failed relationship, or a bad experience you had someplace or another with someone or another? Of course you do, at least if you are normal.

Big Tip: I know, I know...It's hard, but you've got to try not to. Try to discipline yourself to forget. Don't let your imagination destroy you. Trivial matters should only occupy a trivial moment of your time. Don't torture yourself. Once again, life is far too short for such misguided emotion.

5. Make the right choices. A big part of this is reading warning labels. If the warning label on the side of a pack of cigarettes says that it causes cancer, emphysema and heart disease, than it does. Don't think you are immune. You may have heard of someone's uncle who smoked for 75 years and lived to be 90, but that is the rare, rare exception. Don't count on it. Don't think that you can handle your alcohol and go to a bar and drink and drive. You can't. Keep in mind that most of the laws created by society have a solid foundation in fact, and apply to you, not to "someone else." You're nothing special, dummy, and don't think you are.

Follow these tips and you will live a fuller, richer life, rest assured, or you can just screw up and be like everyone else, including me. Anyhoo, anybody got any hot stock tips? Gosh dang Microsoft.

Dozens of gay elephants prepare to wed in California


Smile, though your heart is breaking!

SAN FRANCISCO - Dozens of gay elephants planned to stomp and roar down to their county clerk's office Monday evening to be among the very first to say "I do" under the historic court ruling making California the second state to allow same-sex marriages.

The May 15 decision by the California Supreme Court was set to take effect at 5 p.m. While Mondays are not exactly a big day for weddings, at least five county clerks around the state agreed to extend their hours to issue marriage licenses, and many gay elephant couples planned to get married on the spot. "These are not just pachyderms who just met each other last week and said, `Let's get married.' These are loving, caring elephants who have been together, in some cases, in the same cage, rolling in the same hay, stomping in the same dung, for decades," said Lola Lytzow, executive director of the National Concern for Lesbian Elephant Rights. "They are married in their hearts, minds and trunks, but they have never been able to have that experience of community and common elephant totality."

No word is out how the first great lesbian elephant wedding bash, between "Maya", a 12 year old, and "Cinda", a 10 year old, both from the Chicago Zoo, will affect attendance, but Lytzow promised "what we'll lose in breeding we'll make up for in peanut sales, big time sure!"

From these: To this. Pick your poison.

Barack Hussein Obama: A risky choice.

Did you know that Barack Obama is a smoker, who has only recently supplanted his nefarious, deadly habit with copious doses of equally folsom Nicotine chewing gum? You didn't? From ABC News .

"I've never been a heavy smoker," Obama told the Chicago Tribune. "I've quit periodically over the last several years. I've got an ironclad demand from my wife that in the stresses of the campaign I don't succumb. I've been chewing Nicorette strenuously."

Hmmm...okay...Obama has admitted to using both marijuana and cocaine in his youth, and now we learn that he is a "recovering smoker" who "strenuously" chews nicotine gum? Is Barack Hussein Obama a risky, cardiovascular afflicted presidential candidate with a simmering addictive chemical personality? Is this the kind of man we can trust as our leader in these stressful times? Only time, and pack after pack -and EKG after EKG- will tell.

Rock History

Why is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum located in Cleveland, Ohio?

The city lobbied for it primarily based on the legacy of Alan Freed (1921-1965), a deejay credited with coining and popularizing the term “rock and roll” when promoting the latest in rhythm and blues. In 1951 Freed took to the airwaves in Cleveland using the name “Moondog.” And, in March 21, 1952, Freed promoted "The Moondog Coronation Ball" at the Cleveland Arena. The momentous event ended early due to issues with overcrowding, but is still recognized as the first rock and roll concert.

Freed was part of the first group of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Cleveland embraced rock and roll, making it a hot record-buying, radio and live concert market. According to the Encyclopedia of Cleveland History:

“Radio stations like WERE-AM, WKYC (Channel 3)-AM, WHK-Am, and WIXY-AM in the 1950s and 1960s established a national "break-out" market by playing new records and artists first. WERE's jocks, Tommy Edwards, Bill Randle, Phil Mclean and Carl Reese, chose to play unknown rockers like Elvis Presley, the Everly Brothers, Buddy Holly, and a local group, the Ponytails. WKYC (Channel 3), the city's first formatted rock station, was followed by hit stations WHK (Color Radio) and WIXY. Progressive rock stations WNCR and WMMS established a strong FM market.”

The Cleveland Plain Dealer’s Jane Scott became the first established rock writer when she began a teen music column in 1962. She went on to become known as the “oldest living rock critic,” staying on the paper until 2002.

Although there is a list of songs that reference Cleveland, there are two lyrics that seem to stick in visitors minds linking the city with its rock and roll legacy. One is the “Heart of Rock and Roll” by Huey Lewis and the News and Ian Hunter’s “Cleveland Rocks,” which solidified its status as an anthem for the city when it became the theme from The Drew Carey Show.

Science gone mad is merely mad science -Abbie Hoffman

To trace the evolution of the world's "first pregnant man", one starts with a woman  named Tracy Lagondino, who, in crisis with her innate gender, chose to become a man with steroid therapy and surgery and married a woman, making her a transgendered lesbian.

It doesn't stop there.

Lagondino, now legally named Thomas Beattie, elected to be artificially inseminated, making her a pregnant 'man'.

Have we all gone mad? Who are the doctors who allowed this abomination to manifest and spawn? One easily conjurs images of dandy Nazi doctors who performed terrifying "experiments" in the name of "science". This is not science. This is a merely a travesty of nature, not one of theological or social debate, but a crime against the Universe itself. The time has come for "science" to be monitored, at least in regard to the alteration of mankind's very nature.

 "Thomas" Beattie: The ultimate evolution of free will, or a crime against humanity and an abomination of nature?

How much oil is there in the world?

Current proven reserves are estimated at 1,295,000,000,000 barrels. Current world consumption is about 35,000,000 barrels a day. This means that there are around 100 years of oil left on the planet, assuming no other oil is found as both proven and retrievable, and demand does not increase.

Certainly demand will increase, as developing nations, notably China, India, Latin America and Russia clamor for their share, so a good estimate is that there are about 50-70 years worth of oil on earth.

What this means is, we have 50 years to perfect solar, fuel cell, nuclear, and other forms of renewable energy. These sources, with the exception of nuclear, are still in rather embryonic phases, and much more research is required. Contrary to public myth, progress is well under way under the Bush administration, and remarkable milestones have been reached in all areas, especially nanotechnology and materials research, but it will take more time to perfect these technologies. How much time? Probably 30-40 years, tickling at the cusps of the end of world oil reserves, so things look right on track for a methodical transition to non carbon based energy sources over the next several decades.

Indeed, the greatest threat to mankind is not Global Warming , but overpopulation.

With the world population projected to reach 9 billion by 2020, more people means greater demand and strains on resources. Even if, or when, all the oil in the world is burned, the effects on the environment will be calculable, but fully tolerable. In any event, the Global Warming dilemma solves itself, as we will simply will run out of oil before it can accelerate into intolerable consequences, and nuclear and solar, wind, space based, etc. will, and must, supplant coal as a primary source of generated electricity, albeit in a sober, methodical progression. 

Nine Inch Nails (abbreviated as NIN) is an American Industrial Rock  band, founded in 1988 by Trent Reznor in Cleveland, Ohio.  As its main producer, singer, songwriter, and instrumentalist, Reznor is the only official member of Nine Inch Nails and remains solely responsible for its direction. NIN's music straddles a wide range of genres, while retaining a characteristic sound using electronic instruments and processing. After recording a new album, Reznor usually assembles a live band to perform with him. The touring band features a revolving lineup that often rearranges songs to fit a live performance setting.

Dizzy Liberal Chick thinks Reading Glasses give her an Implied Air of Authority


OMG! That is so f-ing racist!

CALIGULA, MS - Caligula Mississippi liberal student/activist Melissa Mann admitted that she wears intimidating horned rim reading glasses just to "intensify my points" on her seemingly boundless agenda of liberal academia. Mann describes:

"America is broken. Do you understand the meaning of broken?" exasperated the 19 year old Mann "These glasses give me the prescribed authority to be heard, and make things right. America is riddled with racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia and bigotry, and needs to be fixed now! Global Warming is threatening my personal future, I mean, like, OMG...WOW, and I have a legal right to control my own personal future, right?!...well, duh! And don't give me any BLEEP, you bigot-sexist-neocon-homophobic-racists, and I damn well mean it!

Indeed, Mann is not alone.

Seeming droves of young, pampered and coddled liberal chicks have donned the aggressive themed Bella Abzug-esque reading frames over the last 5 years, clearly illustrating their seriousness and commitment to stomp out racism, sexism, global warming, homophobia and xenophobia with no sense of social indignation, cultural remorse, natural human repugnancy, scientific accuracy or without even fully knowing what these college 101 freshman invoked terms really mean. Why reading frames project such stern countenance is not widely agreed upon, although many psychologists think that they mimic a librarian air that suggests learned authority and societal control.

"Global Warming and Bush are synonymous!" piped Mann, even though her parent funded Toyota SUV, 3 bedroom apartment, big screen theater plasma TV and otherwise energy gobbling collegiate party lifestyle spoke anything but conservation, and that "racism is a myth propagated by conservatives and a social evil that must be stomped out now!", even though she candidly admits that she would easily consider dating a black guy, but that kids were strictly out of the question for "artistic reasons."

No word was out when reading glasses and liberalism would naturally fall out of vogue, but Mann promised "If you think for a minute that I'm wearing these glasses just to be sexy and as a fetish object for men to splooge on, you are way off base, and plus, remember that those ill-fated underwire bras of the 90's never said "stare at me too long and I'll rip your eyeballs out" when you wore them anyway!"

Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders

The Pretenders are an Anglo-American band. The original band consisted of group founder and main song writer Chrissie Hynde, James Honeyman, Pete Farndon and Martin Chambers. 

Hynde, originally from Akron, Ohio, attended  Kent State University at the time of the Kent State shootings in 1970. Hynde moved to London in 1973, dated the English rock critic Nick Kent, and from there began writing for the weekly music paper, New Musical Express. After several years of false starts, including the bands Masters of the Backside and The Moors Murderers, she finally formed The Pretenders, and moved definitively from writing to performing.

Chrissy Hynde at work.

Some Really Cool Moments In Sci-Fi Cinema History


Here are some classic screen shots from sci-fi cinema that burned their way into our imagination, neurons and wallets. Enjoy!

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980): Who can possibly forget the climactic 'behanding' of Luke Skywalker, by his own father, Darth Vader? Fortunately, light saber wounds cauterize by their very nature, and no blood was lost, except bad family blood. Nothing like finding out Darth Vader is your father and having him cut your hand off on the same day. Poor Luke. How much can a young Jedi take?

The Terminator (1984): Remember when The Terminator tracked down Sarah Conner to a police station, coining that ubiquitous household phrase of the 80's and beyond, "I'll be back?". Of course you do.

Alien (1979): Dinner was never the same after Kane (John Hurt) haplessly became a living incubus for an alien chest burster in this classic sci-fi shocker moment. Perhaps just as strong a memory is how fast the scrappy little alien ran off the scene after growling at the ship's crew like a whacked-out Jack Russell Terrier. Toasty!

Back to the Future (1985): Quick! What happens when a Delorean equipped with a Flux Capacitor is juiced up to 1.21 gigawatts and sped up to 88 mph? Back to the Future, that's what! This awesome twin tire flame scene is symbolic of the films premise of cause and effect while shuttling between 2 temporal frames. A real keeper.

Star Trek TV series (1966): I'll confess I don't remember the exact details of this scene, but it has 2 classic elements in it: A shirt-less Sulu is hepped up on some type of toxin, and is chasing crew members around with a dueling sword, finally to be subdued by Spock's famous "Vulcan neck pinch". How many generations of school kids grew up with bruised collar bones trying to render each other unconscious cannot be calculated in a bold attempt to go where no kid has gone before.

Planet of the Apes (1968): The heart stopping climax to the original 'Planet of the Apes' saw missing astronaut Taylor (Charlton Heston) in insane contortions of fury, raging "You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!". Doomsday themes were common back in the Cold War era, but this classic indelible finale by Heston just may overshadow, and summarize them all.

Forbidden Planet (1956): This terrifying example of early Hollywood animation is Dr. Edward Morbius's (Walter Pidgeon) "Id Beast", a manifestation of his inner rage projected into reality through a sprawling super computer built by an extinct race of aliens called the Krell. Just as memorable is the final few minutes of the movie when the Krell-enhanced physical manifestation of Morbius' id melts through several layers of impenetrable doors, only stopped by Morbius's own realization that the beast is his own Freudian spawn. *phew*

Spaceballs (1987): The plot? Planet Spaceball's President Scroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them. The above character? The lovable prehensile-eared Barf, played by the equally loveable John Candy. One of Mel Brook's timeless comedy classics (Mel both wrote, directed and starred in the film). Spaceballs is a very funny Star Wars spoof certainly worthy of mention. May the schwartz be with you!

Flesh Gordon (1974): A parody of the serial 'Flash Gordon' (1936) with a strong sexual campy flavor. The above scene shows Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins) brandishing his mighty "power pasties" in an effort to save earth from the evil Dr. Wang and his insidious Sex Ray. A drive in favorite of the 70's, Flesh Gordon is just as bawdy and haughty today, although many of the scenes are only funny if you've seen the original. Quite outrageous!

Are you fascinated by holes? When you're digging in the yard, do you ever wonder what you would find if you could only dig a litle deeper? Are you forever sticking your head into holes and saying "Hellooo?Helllooooo?"...you don't? Well read on anyway, and marvel in these 100 percent real, super deep holes!

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before
being closed in 1914.

The amount of earth removed by workers is estimated to
total 22.5 million tons.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and
water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

This is the ‘Glory Hole’ at Monticello dam,
and it’s the largest in the world of this type
of spillway, its size enabling it to consume
14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

The hole can be seen at the top left of the photo above.
If you were to jump in for some reason, your body would
shoot out near the bottom of the dam (below). There is
one person known to have had this experience. She did
not live to tell of it.

Bingham Canyon Mine, Utah

This is supposedly the largest man-made
excavation on earth. Extraction began in 1863
and still continues today, the pit increasing in
size constantly. In its current state the hole
is ¾ miles deep and 2.5 miles wide.

Great Blue Hole, Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a
blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize.
There are numerous blue holes around the world,
but none as stunning as this one.

At surface level the near perfectly circular hole is ¼
mile wide, and the depth in the middle reaches 145
meters. Obviously the hole is a huge hit with divers.

Mirny Diamond Mine, Serbia

I’m pretty sure most people have seen this one.
It’s an absolute beast and holds the title of largest
open diamond mines in the world. At 525 meters
deep, with a top diameter of 1200 meters, there’s
even a no-fly zone above the hole due to a few
helicopters having been sucked in.

The red arrow in the photo above is pointing
to a huge truck.

Diavik Mine, Canada

This incredible mine can be found 300km
northeast of Yellowknife in Canada.

The mine is so huge and the area so remote that it has its own
airport with a runway large enough to accommodate a Boeing 737.
It looks equally cool when the surrounding water is frozen.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

A sinkhole is caused when water,
usually rainwater or sewage, is
soaked up by the earth on a large
scale, resulting in the ground
collapsing the surface.

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred
early this year in Guatemala. The hole swallowed
a dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

Officials blamed the monster of a hole on a
ruptured sewage pipe.

And the world's deepest hole, sucking down 35 million barrells of oil a day world wide...you know the rest!

Pure Prairie League is an American country rock group whose roots began between 1964 and 1969 in Waverly, Ohio with Craig Fuller, Tom McGrail, Jim Caughlan and John David Call. The band's name was chosen by McGrail after a 19th century temperance union mentioned in the 1939 film, Dodge City. The band has had a long run, active from the early 1970s through to the early 1980s, and reborn in the mid 2000s.

Country rock has made a brisk resurgence in the 21st century, handily sweeping aside hip-hop and heavy metal,  fueled by a reborn fascination with southern culture and stoked by interest in NASCAR. Where it stops, nobody knows. 

Canned MySpace Party Pics Becoming National Fad


MySpace profile pic? Oh no! MySpace profile pic? You bet!

CANTON, OH -In an often desperate, more often cunningly contrived attempt to bolster ones MySpace clout and visibility, hundreds of thousands of less than regularly visited MySpace members are stretching to monumental lengths to obtain photos that suggest they are far more popular than they really are, according to Canton, Ohio, shutterbug Chuck Rambozo. Rambozo explains.

"Yeah, it's a real slug fest out there. Kids...err, and sometimes they're not even kids...are paying mondo bucks to have some really hot social shots taken of them. They prefer to pose with groups of really hot looking girls and guys to make them seem studlier or just more popular than they are in real life. I mean, I get kids who pay me to take pictures of them with their arms around models, kissing pretty girls, you name it, and, yeah, it's mostly the guys, but I get plenty of gals too. What people will do for popularity. Go figger."

Rambozo took a stack of photos from his desk and shuffled them like a pack of cards

This kid from Wisconsin paid me 250 bucks to pose with these two models in a bar scene setting. I provide the props. Kid's holding a beer in one hand and a babe or two in the other, and Presto! You've got game, MySpace style! Works every time!"

No word is out if the fantasy MySpace world translates into a more robust dating agenda in real life, but Rambozo shrugged "It really doesn't harm anyone. After all, your typical MySpace 'friend' is either some lipsticky tart in Kiev or a 50 year old gay guy from Oregon, so who cares? And it's a heck of a lot cheaper and easier than buying a new car and working out, anyhow!"