-JT-'s Blog

UPS Airlines



Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly

a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to

those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.






After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That 's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

FoxNews has a Sexpert.  Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright. And she's written a column entitled

"15 Reasons Why She's not in the Mood."

 I know. At first, I thought the same thing.

 FIFTEEN ?

 The column is on the main page of Fox29. All the way at the bottom. I guess they figured if it had to do with sex, we'd find it no matter where they hid it.

 Guys, I know sometimes it's difficult to read the articles women write about men, because it seems somehow, no matter what the subject is, it's always OUR fault.

So, go ahead. Read the column. And fear not, gentelmen, I'm here to help.

15 Reasons Why She's Not in the Mood

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

By Yvonne K. Fulbright

Some women will want to string me up for this one. I'm about to divulge some of the real reasons a gal will say "no" to sex, even if she's totally in the mood.

  These are the REAL reasons, NOT the fake ones.

1. She feels fat.

  And that's before you even touch her. In a situation like this, it's important to create an environment  where she feels comfortable. So, stick out your belly, puff out your cheeks, and keep a stash of Rosie O'Donnell flicks on hand.

  Hey, it works for the birds. Only they watch Birdy O'Donnell movies.

2. She's feels gassy.

             Para fumar.

3. She has her period.

 Uh - I have no comment at this time. Yes, I do. Apparently, they've come out with a pill that lets a woman only have one period a year. Am I the only one that thinks this might not be a good idea ? Shouldn't we be trying to LESSEN  the potential for explosions ? (Both the literal AND the figurative). I'm a guy and I know my opinion doesn't count on this one (or any other one, for that matter) and I'm not insensitive to your pain,ladies (you too, guys) but, one a year ?

 When I think of that, two things come immediately to mind.

 Volcanos and oil wells.

4. She's wearing grandma underwear.

  Sorting laundry can be a challenge. Again, it's important to create an environment  in which she feels she fits in. Put on  red union suit underwear with the feet and the flap in the back.

5. She has a yeast infection.

 Baking homemade bread together can be a turn-on, but now's probably not a good time to bring it up.

6. She's sweaty or unclean.

  This is when being a volunteer fireman pays off. Quick access to a firehose. WHOOOOOSH ! "Feel better, honey ?"

7. Neither of you brought a condom.

Translation : YOU didn't bring one. BYOC.

8. Her parents – or yours – are too close for comfort.

 So, during Thanksgiving Dinner, the dining room table is OUT. Got it guys ?

9. Her nether region feels dry.

  Put the firehose down. No WD 40, either.

10. She's tired.

   Oh yeah ? I'm exhausted. And I'm only up to number 10.

11. She's already taken care of business.

Uh-oh. I wasn't REALLY exhausted.

12. She's ticked off at you.

Moi ? Hey, I said I wasn't REALLY exhausted. I'm taking a pill that only lets me get exhausted once a year. And then I sleep for six months. I try to time it so I'm asleep during the volcanic eruption and the oil strike.

13. She's grossed out by your lack of hygiene.

 So, if you're wearing a sleeveless shirt when you approach her, pick the radishes out of your armpits first.

14. She's waiting for her wedding day.

Presumably, her wedding day and your wedding day are like, you know, the same day.

15. She's pregnant and feels guilty for it.

Translation : YOU forgot to BYOC again. 

  Ok, I know what your thinking. How do you tell if she's feeling fat or if Grandma's walking around with no underwear? 

  Not to worry. 

  Just put on a red union suit, leave a few buttons unbuttoned, you know, for a tease(don't forget harvest time - radishes ? remember?), duct tape a couple of rows of condoms to your left breast (like military medals) extinguish all smoking materials at this time, stick out your belly and puff out your cheeks , put on the Flintstones movie, and yeah, you can wear a fireman's hat - but you have to stay indoors if you're not really a fireman and that goes double for the Zorro mask, try not to remember how ticked off she was at you on HER wedding day and NEVER EVER do this during Thanksgiving Dinner. Timing is everything. 

 If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
 A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
 A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
 A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
 A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
 
Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
 A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
 A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?!
 A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
 A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
 A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
 A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
 A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
 A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
 A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
 A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
 A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
 A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
 A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
 A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
 A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
 A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
 A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Ahem.

   It has recently come to my attention that.....

 1.In order to be a famous TV Weatherperson, it's not necessary to be "all that accurate".

 2. TV Weatherpersons knock down a pretty good buck.

 3. TV Weatherpersons are respected and admired in their fields and they get chicks.

 So, hey, if ya can't beat'em, join 'em !

 Consider this as my "audition", such as it is.

  If you are out and about this evening, don't be alarmed at the sight of flying furry things. These are merely toupee's and hairpieces of people who didn't prepare for the high winds.

 The past two days provided a prepotency of precipitation proving a pluvious predicament of preponderous proportions to the province of Pennsylvania.

Now, let's look at the Big Bazooba Doppler and Slurpee Machine to see what's in store for our region and surrounding areas.

 A colossal Canadian Clipper could clobber Cleveland, Calumet City and Cucamonga if current clusters continue.

  And......

 More ominously.....

 We're out of root beer.

 After the break......

 Paris Hilton has been  arrested for impersonating a talented woman.

 So, that's my shot at the big time.

 In addition to these talents.... I can sing a little, dance a little, I know a magic trick and.....

 I can bait a hook.

 Fox29, I look forward to hearing from you.

 About Mr. Weatherperson...

 Mr. Weatherperson was the Chief Meteorologist in Workboot, Wyoming for a time.

He achieved this position by being the first one up in Fishing Camp one morning, and, on his way to the outhouse in the dark, said, "Hey ! It's raining !"

 

Good Luck, RobG ! We'll Miss Ya !

  I'm getting ready to go fishing. I'm off today, not because it's Veteran's Day and I'm a veteran, but because it's Sunday and I don't have to work.

    Please join me today in remembering our country's veterans and of course, those currently in the Armed Forces( the fishing I can handle by myself ).

                                             Happy Veteran's Day everyone !

   

   

The purpose of this blog is to take the "technical terms" that weather forecasters, meteorologists and other soothsayers use and translate into everyday language and perhaps give you a better understanding of why it always rains on your birthday.

  Q. - Mr. Weatherperson, what is a "dew point" ?

  A.- Ahem. Let me give you an example. If you were walking arm in arm with an attractive woman on a summer's evening, and you paused (out of the intrusive glare of the streetlamp) and you gazed upon her countenance and asked " may I kiss you? ".  If she replies " Yes, please dew ", then you have reached a "dew point" in your relationship. 

    And, hopefully, it is the first of many.

 

 Q. - What is the "Coriolis Effect" ?

 A. - In simple terms, as air begins flowing from high to low pressure, the Earth rotates under it, making the wind follow a curved path. In the Northern Hemisphere, the wind turns to the right of its direction of motion. 

 So, if you are in the Northern Hemisphere, and the person on your left "cuts the cheese", you will find yourself in an unfortunate position. 

 A MOST unfortunate position.

 

  Q. - What is "Atmospheric Chaff" ?

   A. -  Gesundheidt !

 

  Q. -   Thanks Mr. Weatherperson.  Now I can blog with Rob G.

  A. -  You're quite welcome. Uh, blog with WHO ?